Dear Mrs. O

Thank you for being an outlet! Here is my issue. I have been married for 4 years. I have two children with my husband. The relationship started off fine. We had problems like any relationship but we always got through them. Not cheating but financial issues, family problems, and things like that. Me and my husband have been through a lot. Unfortunately, he doesn’t love me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he ever loved me at all. And then I wonder why he even married me.

He never tells me I am beautiful. Anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault. The period I did not have a job was like hell. He disrespected me so badly. Now that Im working he doesn’t help pay for any of my up keep. He makes me pay for half of all the communal bills even though he makes almost double my salary. When we go out on “dates” he makes me pay for half. He only critiques things he doesn’t like about my body. He doesn’t show up for me.  He never helps with anything in the house but is VERY quick to make a mess.  If I ask him to do something he is always too tired. We hardly have sex anymore. We hardly talk anymore.

I am so lonely in my marriage. When he is around other people he is always so alive and fun. That is the man I agreed to marry. When we are alone he doesn’t even bother to start a conversation. If I try and spark a conversation he will behave like I am bothering him and he is so busy. It is so frustrating

I am so feed up I  don’t want to make amends. At the same time I don’t want a divorce. I find myself pretending to be happy. I don’t even bother complaining anymore because I know my complaints will fall on deaf ears. At the end of the conversation he will find a way to say that I’m always complaining and its all my fault.

What is a girl to do? Please advise.

Response:

Dear friend.  I feel your pain. I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. I am also sorry to tell you that many women are in your same situation. Many women are living in a lonely marriage. Many women feel like their husbands hate them. Unfortunately, because of societal pressures we force ourselves to endure. You must forgive. You don’t have to forget but you must forgive.

I also want you to keep in mind that your husband might not be doing this on purpose. That might actually be his nature. Believe it or not the way he behaves in public around others may be a front. He may be naturally quiet and to himself.  Has he always been insensitive? If not he may be going through a season. He might be dealing with things that he has no disclosed to you.

My advice to you will be to keep a cool head. Life comes in seasons. One day he may learn to appreciate you. If he doesn’t you have to learn to find happiness within yourself. Its unfortunate because your husband is meant to be your companion in life. But if he is falling short you have no choice but to do it on your own. Learn how to take yourself on a date. Pamper yourself. Tell yourself that you are beautiful. Enjoy time with yourself.

Since you did not state there is any physical abuse I will not advise you to look into a divorce. Especially since you have two children. Just try your best to learn to live with him. To be completely honest and frank with you. Men that behave this way do not develop this behavior over night. Its either he was like this in the beginning or you allowed him to evolve into the person he is now.

You should have either left when you noticed his personality, or tackled it the moment her started exhibiting off putting behavior. At this point he has become set in his ways. He will not change unless you do something drastic like leave the house for a week or get his family involved. I’m not sure if your interested in doing either of those things.

I personally would probably just ride it out.  Leave him to himself. When he notices you don’t behave the way you used to he will wonder why his loving wife has become distant. He himself will begin to try and get your attention. I hope this helps. Please follow up with me and let me know how things are going.

– Mrs Ofoegbu