Dear Mrs O.

You won’t believe the story I’m about to tell you. Please make sure I am kept anonymous! Things have been crazy in my house these past few weeks. The story is not really about me but my boyfriend. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now. He is an awesome guy.  We never really have any issues outside of normal relationship disagreements. But for the most part he’s great. Good job, religious, handsome, charming and all that. What I like most about him is he is a family man. He is the forth of seven children. He loves his mother like crazy! Anything she asks of him he will always do for her. I like that because I have always been told that men will treat you the same way they treat their mother.

But his mother is no saint! No saint at all. In fact at this point I feel she is a demon. It turns out that my boyfriends mother had none of her seven children with her husband!!!!!! Apparently his mother and father tried to have children for years and nothing came from the marriage.  Turns out his father couldn’t have children. His mothers secretly slept with an outside man to have all of the seven children! Now the actual father is on his death bed and is demanding that he finally met all of his children before he goes to meet his maker.

When my boyfriend confided all these things to me I didn’t know what to say. That was the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. The problem is now that I know this secret I don’t know if I can continue on with the relationship. His family is too broken. What would I tell my own family members when its time to do introduction? What if his father chooses to leave his mother? What if the original father doesn’t die and decides he wants to be in their lives permanently. What if he has half brother and sisters that come with their own issues. There are too many variables. Im not strong enough for this.

This is far too much for me! I am still young. I can find someone else that doesn’t have all this drama. I want to leave him? What excuse can I use.

Response

Wow wow wow! Your dilemma is really original! First of all I think at this point your boyfriend needs you now more than ever. Even if you don’t want to continue on with the relationship now is not the time to leave him. You said he is a family man so imagine how crushed he must be. You should let everything blow over. Give him at least 6 – 9 months to get over the first blow of his family. You can’t leave him now. Imagine finding out that you and all your siblings are actually children to some outside man that you have never met before? You would be heartbroken. This is the time that you need to be loyal. You need to stand by him.

When things were good and rosey you wanted to stay with him. But now that things are bad you want to up and leave? How will you manage in marriage if thats how you behave in relationships?  No matter how hard you plan there will always be ups and downs. From what you said this guy is a great catch. You had no issues with him. I do understand that most times our elders will frown upon you marrying someone with a broken home but this situation was beyond his control. How was he to know that his mother held a 7 year love affair with another man?  Please be there for him. Please don’t shy away from him. Call him. Bring him a meal. Help him feel whole again.

Your main question was an excuse on how to  leave him. I will be very clear that I don’t agree you should leave him and karma will catch up with you in the future. But this is what your going to do. You will not need an excuse if you plan it well. First wait at least 1 month so that it won’t be very obvious that you are leaving him because of his issue. In the mean time you can start looking for the next guy. After  that time has passed give him a signal of what is about to happen. When he wants to hang out be busy. When he wants to talk be unavailable. After doing this for about a week send him a “Can we talk” text. He will already know whats up.

After this stage a place to meet. This shouldn’t be at your home or in your car. You will say something to the effect of “Your an awesome guy and I’ve really loved dating you but I think at this time we just want different things. We aren’t in the same place. I hope you understand? It isn’t personal but I think we should stop seeing each other.” Make sure you say it as sincerely as possible! He is going to look lost as if he didn’t see it was coming. He might try to beg. He might even cry. He might even get angry. But you have to remain calm.

If he ask if you are leaving him because of his family issue you will say “of course not. I would never do anything like that. You know me very well I would never leave you for something like that.” Let him speak his mind then finish it off with “we can still remain friends but I think we should end the relationship.” Don’t point out any specifics and don’t give him a chance to beg for a second chance. After this say that you are planing to meet up with a girlfriend so you have to go. Finished.

I hope this helps. You know you ain’t right girl! Please please please please follow up with this issue. I would really like to hear what happens. Good luck!

xoxo

Mrs O.