Left Right Before the Alter #AskMrsO

 

Dear Mrs Ofoegbu,

Im in desperate need of help! I have been seeing my fiancé for a year. We have been in a long distance relationship. He lives in Ohio and I live in Maryland. We still get to see each other often even though we are separate. In my opinion everything in the relationship has been going great. He proposed last winter and we are scheduled to get married this New Years Eve. Yes I will admit I have been a bit of a bridezilla but I thought he would be understanding. Wedding planning is so difficult.

During the marriage counseling is where I feel we had a few hiccups. There were a few things here and there that we didn’t discuss before that he was concerned about. But I didn’t think that they were that big of a deal. I thought we could just discuss them at a later time and continue with our wedding plans. Long story short my fiancé called me yesterday and told me he thinks we should postpone the wedding!!!!!!!!! He says that he feels we may have rushed into engagement and we should get to know each other more.

I was so angry I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t even continue on with the conversation. I just hung up on him. Normally when we get into an argument he would call me back and beg for my forgiveness. This time its different. Im so worried I don’t know what to do. How can he say he wants to postpone at this time. I have already told all my friends and family. I have already bought my dress. We have already found a venue, made many payments to vendors, released the premarital photos, and done the marriage counseling.

This will be too embarrassing. How can I tell all my friends the wedding is postponed?Should I call him and apologize and beg for him to continue on with the wedding?  Is there any leverage I have to force him? Do you think it was the counseling that caused the change in heart? Do you think there may be another woman? My mind is racing please help!!!

Response:

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Don’t Panic! Im so sorry. I know this must be a really tough period for you. I know its hard to hear this but you aren’t the first person to have a fiancé that gets cold feet. You aren’t the first person to have a postponed engagement. Even if you end up breaking off the engagement you won’t be the first to do so. Many have done it before you and many will do it after you. No matter what happens you will survive. Life will go on, and you will be stronger than ever.

What I want you to do is first stop and breathe. Relax and rethink what is going on. My confusion with this story is how your fiancé just suddenly out of no where decided to postpone the engagement. Normally there would be something very significant that happened before a man will call off the engagement this late into the process. Please try and recollect what the route of the issue is. If you think very well I’m sure you know what the core problem is.

You said you think that it might be the misunderstanding that you had during premarital counseling. I wish you could have shed some light on exactly what the misunderstanding was. What might be very small to you might be a huge deal to him. I know in my own premarital counseling all of the topics discussed were huge deals. We spoke about topics such as how many children we would have, how we would go about finances, and who would make final decisions. If you disagreed on any of those issues it is a big deal.

Please don’t be offended but also from your writing it seems that you are more concerned with the shame of a broken engagement or postponed wedding than the actual marriage and relationship. You need to relax settle down and figure out what happened. If you take time you should know why he is acting shady.

You also said that you two have only been dating for a year. Meaning that you got engaged when you were only seeing each other for around 7 months. Plus this is a long distance relationship. Some people can meet their woman, in 6 months know she is the one, propose, and get married. Most people are not capable of doing that. Maybe your fiancé honestly just wants some more time. There is nothing wrong with that. Its better that you make sure that you are the right fit for each other rather than jumping into a marriage.

You also asked if I think there is another woman. From what you said there is no way for me to know if there is another woman involved. However, Im wondering why your mind would automatically travel to that. Has he done something in the past that would make you feel that theres someone else?

Finally, don’t worry about your friends and family. I know all about the pressure to have a lavish wedding. Friends won’t be in the marriage with you. Yes people will talk! Yes your enemies will laugh! But people forget quickly. The hot gist of today is stale by tomorrow. Just focus on your own life and your own relationship. I know its hard but don’t worry everything will be fine. Please follow up and let me know what ends up happening.

xoxo

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