Dear Mrs O.

I like your point of view on most topics. Im hoping you can help me with this. Im 23 years old. My boyfriend of 3 years is 29. My boyfriend is great guy. He comes from a great family and has a very good job. He treats me well and I usually don’t have any problems with him. We have currently been living together for a year and a half. There isn’t anything particularly wrong with the relationship but there isn’t anything right either. Theres no spark. From the outside we seem like the perfect couple. But behind closed doors we aren’t.

Things have become too dull. I need more excitement and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to tell him about it many times but he doesn’t seem to care. Everything has gotten stale even the bedroom. We do the same boring things everyday. Absolutely no spice.  We go to work or school during the day then at night we come home and go out for dinner and drinks or stay in and watch TV. I really need more. Honestly I want out of the relationship.

The only problem is I feel we are too tied together. We have all the same mutual friends.  I have already met his family and he has already met mine. My parents are expecting him to come and ask permission to propose any day now. I suspect he already has the ring. But I want out! Do you think I should leave him or stay? I don’t want to ask my friends because they feel we have the perfect relationship and I don’t want them to look down on me. What do you advise?

Anonymous

Response:

Hello thank you for your question. Believe it or not many women go through this same thing. Especially at the 3 year mark. During this period is when you truly see how the relationship is going to be. This is also the time when most men decide if they want to marry you or not. Unfortunately,  I’m sorry to tell you that nobody can categorically tell you to leave or stay with another person because they aren’t in the relationship with you.

However, I feel you will choose to end this relationship eventually. Its better to end it now then when you are married. You don’t want to file for divorce at 36 because you didn’t enjoy your freedom in your 20’s. You also don’t want to feel like to settled. Some people don’t need that much freedom but from what I am reading you are yearning for adventure. Before you stay or leave  I really want you to think! Good men are HARD to come by. From what I read the only thing wrong with this relationship is the “Spark”is missing. Even though you want to enjoy now in 7 years when you are really ready to get married you don’t want to feel like you made a terrible mistake and lost a great guy.

Furthermore, from what I read it seems that you want to explore while your man is really ready for the stability of marriage. What makes a marriage sweet is that you can enjoy doing absolutely nothing together in the same way that you enjoy being alone doing nothing with yourself. You said that you don’t like how you normally go out during the day and then come back and relax. But what do you think most married couples do? The whole point of marrying is enjoying the presence of your partner.

As for your friends and family they  will not be in the marriage  with you! Since they believe the relationship is “perfect” they will tell you that you are making a big mistake. But YOU have to really evaluate the situation.  If you  suspect he’s thinking of marriage and you are still worried about spark sister you aint ready for marriage. You said that you are only 23. Which means you have time to heal, explore, and find someone new. Not much time… but there is still time.

If you decide to stay you must be honest with yourself that things probably will not change. You and your man have been doing the same thing for at least a year and a half. Things might change slightly but more than likely they won’t change dramatically. Please keep us posted on what you do! Thanks again for your question!

xoxo